humor

All posts tagged humor

(Not So) Happy New Year, Ladies! Joseph Gordon-Levitt Got Married (Bummer)!

Published January 2, 2015 by The Feminist

jo

I’m sorry to spoil the start of the new year for you like this, but the sooner we face the facts, the sooner we will be able to move on (and find yet another Hollywood stud to star in our fictional fool’s paradise).

JGL (I get to call him that, since he used to be my hypothetical husband up until Tasha McCauley crashed my dreams and ruined our lovely, albeit imaginary marriage) will never be your man. He will never be my man. He is officially off the market. Be still my pain-stricken heart.

51584-Sheldon-breathing-in-a-paper-b-TQ3Z

Dear ladies and fellow members of the JGL fan club: if you feel the need to sob, drink a bottle of red wine out of utter grief or gain a couple of pounds of “Kummerspeck” (i.e. that wonderfully accurate German expression for gaining weight from emotional overeating), by all means go ahead! I totally understand.

jo1

It is indeed a cruel way to kick off 2015. Just when we thought 2015 couldn’t possibly be worse than 2014 – the horrible year in which Ryan Gosling became a father, George Clooney  got married and Benedict Cumberbatch announced his engagement –  Hollywood drops another marriage bomb. Our hopes are crushed. Our hearts are broken. But fear not, dear readers! With such a bad start, 2015 can only get better!

Right?!

Anyway, let’s start focusing on some other fancy –and single!- Hollywood dudes. Let’s find ourselves a new imaginary husband.

taye diggs gif

Hunting season has now officially been opened.

taye gif

I can feel it, 2015 is going to be such fun!

PS: This doesn’t mean of course that I don’t wish them all the best in the world. Best of luck, Joseph and Tasha! We still love you!

Christmas Gifts For Him: A Feminist Guide

Published December 4, 2014 by The Feminist

In exactly twenty days, we will all be sitting around dinner tables, eating delicious food and opening up Christmas presents. It is in many different ways the “most wonderful time of the year” (at least that is what Andy Williams tells me), but unfortunately this fantastic feast is preceded by the enormous stress of having to go Christmas shopping.

But fear no more, dear readers! I’m here to show you the way. The feminist way. And the first chapter in this Christmas gifts series is all about buying the right Christmas present for your partner, because if you approach this task with the right attitude, not only your man will benefit from your gift, you will do too!

So here is my very short –but very cool- selection:

  • In the Category “because there is still room for improvement, darling”: Terry Crew’s “Manhood: How to be a Better Man or Just Live with One”

terry

We all love Terry Crews, but his new book –and in particular his view on feminism, equality and patriarchy- makes me love him even more. Too often do men enter feminist debates and try to “mansplain” everything (not a real word, but humour me for a second here): men telling us what we think or want or what feminism means to them. And that’s great for many obvious reasons, but their opinion and advice –again!- was sprouted by a patriarchal point of view about society. Time and time again MEN keep telling WOMEN what to think/do/want. Although their intentions may be good (are they really?), you have to admit that the whole thing is getting kinda boring. What the feminist debate really needs isn’t men declaring they are feminists and why, no, what we need is more men who aren’t afraid to declare that any guy who doesn’t consider himself a feminist is a total dickweasal/loser/asshole. And Terry does that. So buy your hubbie this book, because who knows, it might convince him to change his views as well. (And we all know how much this world desperately needs some better men, don’t we ladies?)

  • In the category “because whisky makes me frisky”: The Belgian Owl Single Malt 64 Months Whisky

whiqky

Forget about Scottish whiskey, dear readers. This year’s title of best European whisky went to… Belgium! (Yes, my home country, blimey!) Or if you want to buy an even more expensive drink, you can always opt for the world’s best whisky, the Japanese Yamazaki Single Malt Sherry Cask Whisky…

Who am I kidding! Let’s be patriotic for once and stick to the Belgian stuff! This is not only a great gift for him, but also for her, because all strong women (myself included) prefer the strong stuff over the fluffy pink cocktails every single time.

  • In the category “because everyone likes a man who smells nice”: Boss Bottled By Hugo Boss

boss

This could also be in the category “because we all wish our lover would look like Gerard Buttler” but that would be beside the point. And that point is very obvious: men who smell great are just better company. So buy him some heavenly perfume, ladies! Because who wants to kiss an Axe-drenched man under the mistletoe? Nobody, that’s who.

  • In the category “It’s about time he stops running late”: The Philips Wake Up Light.

philips_hf3520-01-wake-up-light_8863733_1

Putting your IPhone alarm on repeat for at least 10 times is sooo 2014. In 2015 your guy will finally manage to be on time thanks to your brilliant gift. This Wake Up Light –as the name suggests- will wake him up (duh) by gently blasting (pardon the contradiction) bright light (duh) into the bedroom.

Also, it looks really stylish, so what’s not to love?

My Newest Hollywood Crush: Oscar Isaac

Published July 1, 2014 by The Feminist

Oscar-Isaac

I know what you’re all thinking: “guuuurrlll, can’t you just pick one Hollywood hottie and stick with it?”

It’s a reasonable observation but not one I will actually take into consideration. Because your comment may sound reasonable to all those resilient to Hollywood hotness (seriously, I do not understand those people), but to me (as in: a true connoisseur of Hollywood male charcuterie) your comment equals absolute nonsense!

After all, my blog is called Fashion, Food and Flirts, so would it not be logical to be totally mesmerized by yet another Hollywood hunk when the opportunity presents itself?

Ha!

Try and refute that, grumpy hottie-hater!

And I am glad to announce that indeed one of those opportunities presented itself to me a couple of days ago…

Last week I rented Inside Llewyn Davis. I had already read great things about the film, but had not yet had the possibility to watch it. I was totally excited because our dearest J.T. was in it, but –surprise, surprise!- it wasn’t Mr. Timberlake who stole my heart, but an (at least to me) unknown actor named Oscar Isaac. Not only did he blow me away with his insane acting skills, he was also very intriguing and sexy… very sexy… But in a hushpuppy, homeless dude kinda way.

Oscar Isaac

So yes, I was intrigued.

Two days later I went to see Two Faces of January with my mom, because she wanted to see the movie. Dear mommy has a crush on Viggo Mortensen (one of the lead characters in the film) and wanted me to accompany her, but I initially refused because I honestly really really really hate Kirsten Dunst. However, for some odd reason I decided to change my mind and go with her.

And boy, I did not regret it! Because- call it destiny!- Oscar Isaac was in it! And whereas he looked a disheveled kinda sexy in Inside Llewyn Davis, he now looked drop dead gorgeous, I-need-a-towel-to-mop-up-my-own-drool-because-he-is-so-hot kinda sexy.

oscar

I mean, Oh my.

So after that, I was a fan.

And then, again one day later, I was flipping channels out of boredom and stumbled upon the film Body of Lies from 2008. Although it’s a rather old movie, I hadn’t seen it yet and … guess what?… Oscar Isaac is in it as well!! Admittedly, he dies after 20 minutes, but hey, in those short scenes in which he was alive and kicking he looked really handsome!

So now I am going berserk over Oscar Isaac. He is my new Hollywood chouchou. I hope you will all forgive me this latest outburst of Hollywood insanity. I just can’t help it.

And just so you know, Oscar Isaac will be starring in the film A Most Violent Year – together with none other than Jessica Chastain!- which will come out in theaters this fall , and in Star Wars (!!!)

Yes, I definitely have something to look forward to!

Long live Hollywood Hotness!

And long live Oscar Isaac!

Thursday Trash Talk: Feminine Frustrations

Published June 12, 2014 by The Feminist

Frustrations. We all have them sometimes. And some people have them more often than others. Personally, I seem to be dealing with a lot more frustrations than usual and I find it increasingly difficult to find an outlet for those filthy creatures.

Hence, this post. I’m currently stuck at home, forced to write one paper after the other, so who else am I supposed to turn to?

Over the past couple of weeks, when I was busy studying/writing/working my bloody ass off, there have been quite a few things that have been bothering me. Little things. Stupid things. And yet they are still driving me mad. When I told my brother about these little frustrations, he simply rolled his eyes and sighed “phaaa, women”.

So since I can’t use my family as a sounding board for all the things that have been bothering me, I decided to share all my “feminine” frustrations with my dear readers! Aren’t you all excited! 😉

Are you ready?

Okay here I go.

Frustration Nr. 1: World Cup Craziness

I’ve said this before: I honestly don’t get watching sports on television. I seriously don’t. I simply don’t have the attention span to sit through an entire game, watching how men run after a ball.

So you can imagine how I feel about the FIFA World Cup.

frustration sport don't care

And yet, football is everywhere. Everywhere I go, every newspaper I read, every supermarket I visit, the World Cup is there to torment me. Don’t get me wrong, I normally have no problem with tournaments like these. Everyone deserves a moment of glory. But what on God’s Green Earth is the point of selling  sausages, bread, soda and beer with a football image on them? Or –the horror!- with Belgium’s national flag?

frustration weep humanity

Normally, Belgium is not a very patriotic country. If people ask us whether we like living in Belgium, we say meh and shrug our shoulders. But all of a sudden, we have turned into a nation of frantic, national anthem singing, flag waving, football obsessed lunatics.

And these lunatics are driving me insane!

Frustration Nr. 2: Game Of Thrones’ Killing Spree

I absolutely adore Game of Thrones. It has intrigue, great dialogue, some nudity and awesome fighting scenes. It is honestly the best show on the planet.

However, it is also the worst show on the planet. Because week after week, this marvelous series has got the habit of killing off all my favourite characters.

[spoileralert]

Last Sunday, Ygritte was next on the GOT death list. I don’t know about you, but I always thought she was so incredibly cool; with her arrow, fiery red hair and charming Jon Snow insults.  She will be missed. I mean, who is now going to remind our dear Jon Snow that he knows nothing?

But the most horrifying, cruel and agonizing GOT death -by far!- was the episode from two weeks ago in which the smolderingly hot Oberyn Tyrell was literally squashed by a terrifyingly large guy called the Mountain. Seriously, not only was his death incredibly sad, it was also horrendously revolting.

I didn’t know what to do first.

This:

frustration GOT

Or this:

barf

Yes, yes. I know Game of Thrones is just fiction. But it still remains a mystery why someone would ever want to kill a character so handsome as Oberyn (played by the divine Pedro Pascal). I mean, that guy is sex personified…

pedro

Do you understand my frustration?

We are now almost at the end of season 4, and there are hardly any handsome actors left to drool over. Indeed, we have Jamie Lannister, but the incest thing is still kinda creepy. Yes, we have the mysterious Grey Worm, but we still don’t know for sure whether he has his pillar and stones. And then there is Jon Snow, who admittedly is ridiculously handsome, but just looks so mopey all the time. (Like a rougher, bearded version of Sheldon Cooper who didn’t get tickets for Comic-Con.)

Frustration Nr. 3: People Dressed like S***

For some reason, some people seem to believe that nice weather is nature’s way of telling us to wear boring clothes. Suddenly, everyone is wearing jeans shorts, gladiator sandals and printed T-shirts. Yawn.

frustration fashion

Summer is supposed to be a time of joy, fun, bold choices and equally bold colours! So throw out those boring, hideous sacks and buy some interesting stuff for a change!

Frustration Nr. 4: When arguments don’t go the way you planned

We’ve all been in this situation before. You’re talking to someone and he or she is saying something you absolutely do not agree with. You try to explain yourself but for some odd reason, he or she still doesn’t see where you’re coming from and now starts acting like a serious dickweasal. All you want to do at that moment is to give him or her the most articulate speech on the planet. To blow him or her away with your fancy words. But anger and frustration are a serious bitch as well. So all you end up doing is stuttering like an imbecile:

frustration comment

This happened to me twice these couple of weeks. Every single time I just stood there like a complete idiot, and the most frustrating thing about it is that only one hour afterwards, I came up with the most brilliant, most eloquent remarks of rhetorical genius.

I mean… aarrggghhh!!

 

Frustrations: we all have them.

But I finally got mine off my chest.

frust breath

So thanks! 😉

Fairytales, Sushi and Tissues. (Lots and Lots of Tissues)

Published May 31, 2014 by The Feminist

sushi

I will start this post with a couple of warnings:

1)    This post contains a lot of spoilers

2)    I will probably use plenty of dramatic descriptions and euphoric exclamations, because I tend to get overexcited when I’ve just seen a great, great film. So please forgive me my !!!s, OMGs and f***s.

3)    This post will contain some rather obvious feminist remarks.

4)    Since this post is primarily about film, the sushi-interval will seem a bit random, pointless and uncalled for. It is. But OMG it was just so f***ing delicious I simply had to share it with y’all !!!

maleficent

Fairytales and Feminism

I went to see Maleficent a couple of days ago. Why? So nice of you to ask!

Well, first of all, I love Angelina Jolie.

Secondly, I love fairytales. I love everything about them. The magic. The splendid castles. The talking animals. The brainless knight-in-shining-armour. The very unrealistic love-at-first-sight bullshit. I love it. No, I adore it.

So given my love for Angie and fairytales, it seems rather straightforward that I absolutely, freakishly loved this movie as well. Maleficent was amazing! Even with horns on her head Angelina is the most beautiful woman on the planet. Maleficent’s tender and vulnerable heart made me coo, her cold fury made my cheer and her spot-on remarks were often hilarious. Moreover,  the special effects –the fairyland! The dragon! The stupid three fairies!(one of them was Harry Potter’s Professor Umbridge!)- it was everything I wanted and more.

[START FEMINIST RANT: skip this paragraph if you’re not in the mood]

However, the only problem I have with fairytales is that they are so f***ing sexist. Seriously. All Disney movies are. Watch them. You’ll agree with me. And yet – as a hardcore feminist- I still watch them. Over and over again. Because sexist bullshit aside, they are f***ing fantastic! So in order to soothe my feminist conscience, I always put my critical and realistic side on hold. It’s for the best. For both my feminist heart and Disney.

However, Maleficent does have some progressive twists on the original sexist story. [SPOILERALERT] Instead of a true love’s kiss between Aurora and the Prince (who –by the way- has an awfully buffoonish haircut), it a lovable kiss of Maleficent that wakes her up! Moreover, Maleficent is not just a flat, one-dimensional villain, but a flawed magical creature full of emotions.

But (and there is a big but) it still remains a fairytale. Apparently, women turn into evil, jealous bitches when they are abandoned by their lover. Apparently, a broken heart can only be healed with motherhood.

But the most traumatic scene by far was this one: Stefan hands Maleficent a drink. She sips, falls asleep and he F***ING CUTS OFF HER WINGS!!! When Maleficent wakes up and realizes her beautiful wings were stolen from her, she is inconsolable.

Just think about that scene for a moment, dear readers.

Yeah, that’s right! Stefan basically roofied her and violently took her “most precious possession” while she was unconscious.

All the more proof that Disney’s feminist barometer needs to be reset.

[END FEMINIST RANT: you can breathe easy now]

Having said that, Maleficent is still a wonderful movie. Entertainment, fairies, castles and plenty of close-ups of Angelina’s incredibly perfect teeth. What more could you possibly wish for?

angie

Sucker for Sushi

Okay, so now on to some sushi. I’m always amazed how much flavour these tiny (or not so tiny) rolls can have and this plate of delight was just the flavour explosion I was looking for! I find it an immensely luxurious experience to dip a morsel in some soy sauce, add a touch of wasabi and then to swallow it up like a happy penguin. It’s a true OMG feeling. As in:

OMG, this is delicious.

OMG, too much wasabi.

OMG, my mouth is too small.

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Anyway, you get my point. This plate was pure heaven and gave me the right amount of energy to prepare myself for the eye bawling that was yet to follow…

The Normal Heart: Sponsored by Kleenex

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As some of you may know, last Sunday the HBO movie The Normal Heart was aired on television. It was something I had been looking forward to for quite some time, simply because the ensemble cast is a group of Hollywood’s crème de la crème. Mark Ruffalo, Julia Roberts, Matt Bomer, Jim Parsons, Jonathan Groff, Alfred Molina,… the list goes on and on! (Be still, my star-struck beating heart!)

So with moderately high expectations I poured myself a cup of coffee, sat down and took it all in…This movie surpassed all my expectations. Even though sitting still for 2 hours and 15 minutes is usually not my forte, I was simply too captivated to move. The Normal Heart is anything but carefree entertainment. Whereas with Maleficent I could just put my brain on hold, switch off all emotions and take it all in, I wish I could have had an off-button with this one.  The Normal Heart is so raw with emotions, so gritty in its depiction of human suffering, so agonizingly beautiful, I often cried like a little baby. And then I laughed, got frustrated, angry, and then I cried some more. This is not a film for the faint hearted, but having said that, you simply have to see it, because it is pure gold!

The film is based on the 80s play The Normal Heart by Larry Kramer and tells the story about Ned Weeks, who does anything in his power to sound the alarm over the outbreak of so-called “gay cancer”. What follows is a depiction of the dawning horrors of AIDS, the unwillingness within government to do something about it and the almost desperate cry for more activism. It is also a love story and a story about friendship, death and homophobia. The film raises so many social, political and moral issues it is sometimes uncomfortable to watch. And yet, you keep watching, because this story is just too important not to be told.

[the following paragraph is filled with spoilers, so y’all be warned!]

With a star cast like this, it is hardly surprising that the acting is truly award-season material. Mark Ruffalo’s performance as Ned is spot on, for he manages to balance the anger, fear, love and militancy in a character overflowing with complex dilemmas and emotions.

Jim Parsons, to my surprise, was astonishing in his role as “Southern bitch” Tommy. Although it was difficult at first not to see him as Sheldon Cooper – I kept expecting him to shout Bazinga at some point or other- his nuanced depiction of Tommy as the vulnerable yet optimistic young man clearly demonstrated that Jim Parsons is more than just a TV nerd. In one scene, Parsons delivers a eulogy that could even make the most heartless person shiver. His heartbreaking “they just don’t like us” was dripping in so much bitterness and sadness, it almost felt as if I was one of the attendees in the church there with him. *takes a tissue*

The film is full of tissue moments like these. One sequence depicted how an AIDS victim, a couple of hours after he died, was ruthlessly SHOVED INTO A F***ING GARBAGE BAG and put into the hospital alley. *takes another tissue*

And then there was Matt Bomer’s performance. Before I saw this movie, I already was a huge Bomer-fan… Because he is drop dead, gorgeously hot. I never really thought about him as a marvelous actor, but more as an okay actor with a marvelous body. His good looks were simply too distracting for me to be able to pay much attention to his acting skills. BUT SWEET MOTHER OF JESUS, Matt Bomer’s performance as Felix is  truly the role of his life. In the beginning it started of really familiar: Bomer in all his sexy naked glory. But then his character got AIDS and the physical transformation on screen is absolutely painful to watch. *takes another tissue*  Not to mention that one scene in which Ned helps Felix shower. I thought I was going to choke in my Kleenex.

As you can see, the Normal Heart is not something you should watch when you’re already feeling a bit depressed. It is indeed a dense piece of raw  emotions, furious arguments, violent accusations and much more. In the end your box of Kleenex will be empty and your heart will be full, but watching it is not a gentle suggestion, it’s a must!

Things That Make Me Happy: Martini, New Perfume and a Good Dose of Michael Fassbender

Published May 9, 2014 by The Feminist

The past week has been a rollercoaster of mildly hysterical screams and utterly insane deadlines. In between some exhausting apartment-shopping, daunting writing assignments and depressing newsflashes about Syrian bombings and kidnapped Nigerian girls, you would almost forget to live and have a nice time. So I am honestly glad to say: Thank God it’s Friday.

Cuz, I needzz it… I needzz it badly.  

In order to forget all the horror in the world, I always have three simple tricks that help me relax. Now that the weekend is upon us, I thought it would be nice to share these tips with you all, since you clearly have nothing better to do than reading this post on a Friday night.

friday

TIP NR. 1: No Martini, No Party

martini

You can do plenty of things on a Friday night, but some alcohol is always a good start. I am one of those people who love some bitter sweet Martini. I always think it makes me look so classy and cool ( that’s probably the George Clooney effect), yes even when I’m drinking straight from the bottle.

So pour yourself a glass, dear readers. Put on some jazzy music and just have a good time. You deserve it!

TIP NR. 2: Wear Perfume

There is this famous quote by Christian Dior who says that “ a woman’s perfume tells more about her than her handwriting”. I couldn’t agree more! What better way to let your personality shine than by wearing a scent that embodies who you are and what you stand for, right? Moreover, it is just so much fun to go perfume shopping. All those cute bottles, those heavenly aromas, all those ladies with perfectly manicured nails offering to “spritz you”… It is simply the best.

So in an attempt to do some stress-free shopping, I decided to buy myself a new perfume.

IM10.Pyr 045

I bought Pleats Please by Issey Miyake. It know it is always hard to describe a scent, but let me give it a try: Intensely fruity. Hints of aromatic musk. Asian-inspired floral freshness. Oh yes, this fragrance is the epitome of femininity mixed with optimistic and youthful exuberance. Basically, it is Marilyn Monroe and Zoe Deschanel rolled into one beautiful bottle of perfume.

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So yes, buying perfume makes me happy. Give it a go, dear readers. If it does not make you happy, at least you’ll still smell really nice 😉 . (Oh yeah, another benefit of buying perfume is that you are allowed to sniff yourself as many times as you want without people staring it you, thinking you’ve gone completely mad. )

TIP NR. 3: Go on a Bender… A Fassbender

michael

Seriously. Just looking at him makes me insanely giggly. Not only is our dear Fassy a really good actor and ridiculously handsome, his accent is to die for as well. So if you are in the mood for some instant happiness, all you need to do is watch an interview with Michael Fassbender and you will be chirping around the house in no time!

fassbender

What’s that you’re saying? You don’t believe me? Well, dear skeptical reader, I have the perfect way to persuade you, because Fassy was on the Graham Norton Show last week. He was funny, he was sweet and he even danced to Blurred Lines with buddies Hugh Jackman and James McAvoy.

fass graham norton

See? If even this gif can make you giggle, just imagine what the entire interview will do to you! Google it. Watch it. Dig it.

How to Survive in a Post ‘How I Met Your Mother’ Era: Watch The Mindy Project

Published April 7, 2014 by The Feminist

Almost one week ago, the much anticipated (and dreaded) finale of the best comedy TV series on the planet How I Met Your Mother was aired and left us all with a gigantic –nay, legendary!– hole in our hearts.

What are we going to watch next? That is the million dollar question that lies on all our lips. Yes, you could watch some Friends re-runs or indulge in some Big Bang Theory “binge watching”, but this very sad moment in television history might be the ideal occasion to discover a new comedy TV series, like… say… the Mindy Project.

The Mindy Project, of course, is not a brand new show (the pilot episode was aired somewhere in 2012) but for some odd reason it is not very well known across the Atlantic ( in this funny place called Europe). When I talk to friends and say how much I love the Mindy Project they frown and look at me in bewilderment. They had never heard of it and maybe some of you –my dearest readers- haven’t heard of it either.

It’s a shame, because it is completely awesome. And bonkers. And over the top. And bonkers. And hilarious. And crazy. And bonkers.

And.. oh yeah, did I mention that it is bonkers?

I often ask myself: why the hell am I watching this? But then I realize… it’s because Mindy gets me. She says out loud all the things I only dare to silently mumble in the hope that no one notices. She is like the American version of Bridget Jones, but with much nicer hair…

And here is a fun fact: Did you know that on the exact same day of the last episode of HYMYM , the Mindy Project returned after a mid-season break? Talking about destiny!

In order to convince you of the brilliant craziness that is the Mindy Project, I decided to give you a list of all the things Mindy and I have in common:

1)      We love chocolate fountains

mindy chocolate

2)      We are crazy ass smart

mindy smart

… But why does nobody see that??

3)      We both have trouble defining what’s more important in a guy: beauty or brains

mindy brain angy

4)      Why can’t guys talk about their bloody feelings??

mindy feelings

…Why, dudes? Why?

5)      We are both very rational people…sort of.

mindy outdoors

6)      We know what we want

mindy picky

But maybe those standards are a little bit too high…

mindy want

7)      So yeah, we both really really like Michael Fassbender

mindy fassbender

… But, I mean, who doesn’t??

8)      We both watch too much Scandal

mindy pope

9)      We have the same problem…

mindy problems

10)   And then the last one…

mindy flea