Forget Professor Trelawney from the Harry Potter saga. If you want to know what will happen in 2014, there is only one person you need to go to, and that person does not reside in Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry but lives in Belgium.
I’m talking about me.
Yes, moi. I can predict the future in a very peculiar way that is both universal and accurate…ish.
What will this year’s new trends be?
What will become acceptable and what will become repugnant?
Career? Love life? Money?
Everything you want to know about 2014 is right here for you to read. (You can thank me later.)
I can literally hear you all thinking: “Is this information trustworthy?”
“Is she a reliable fortune teller?”
Because just like I could predict all the 13 things listed below, I can also predict with 100 per cent certainty that you will have forgotten everything on this list before the end of the year.
Like I said, eat this Professor Trelawney.
2014 according to Eveline:
1) It will no longer be acceptable to wear uggs in public
Those ugg-ly and ugg-flattering shoes of the devil used to be worn by everyone. Especially campus girls had the crazy idea that they needed to wear them to look fab. Let me tell you something: this ugg-ly epidemic needs to stop. Throw them in the bin, burn them or give them to your cat (preferably with very sharp claws). Whatever you do, just never ever wear them.
Or people will start throwing eggs at your head.
Or eggs in uggs.
2) Miley Cyrus will do something stupid…or vulgar. Probably both.
… Like marrying Justin Bieber.
3) Leonardo DiCaprio will give his new girlfriend a ride in a super deluxe Tesla car with Gull-wing doors
Although I was able to get a clear image of the car, the face of the girl was rather a blur. So if you want to take your chance and seduce Mr. DiCaprio, feel free to try!
Though I should warn you: since I have made this prediction, I sincerely feel I should be the first to ask him out.
So hands off, bitches!
4) E.L. James will be looking for a new assistant to help her with future novels.
Dear Ms James, consider this my application.
5) Peruvian food will conquer the world.
Get your taste buds ready, because what was once considered a cuisine just for health gurus and food snobs, has now become so incredibly cool, it is simply impossible to ignore.
6) One Direction will write a chicklit novel.
That is to say, someone will write it for them. And it will become a worldwide bestseller.
7) You will buy your first pair of Louboutins
I don’t know where you will get the money from – maybe you will find yourself a sugar daddy? Or close a very fraudulous but lucrative deal on Wall Street? – I just now that you will need to make some room in your shoe closet.
8) Ian Somerhalder will be looking for a woman to carry his baby.
9)The most popular baby names will be Katniss and Peeta.
In 2014 the third Hunger Games movie will come out in theaters all over the world and I could tell from the fortuitous arrangement of leaves in my cute tea cup that the Hunger Games frenzy will go even one step further than last year’s absurd craziness. So prepare yourself for some Hunger Games inspired baby names! May the odds be ever in their favour!
10)Bruno Mars and John Legend will write and record a song together…
… and Justin Timberlake will choreograph the accompanying dance routine!
… and Ryan Gosling will make a cameo appearance in the music video! (Shirtless of course)
11) Texting is sooo 2012
This year we’ll be going back to old-school romantic parchment and quill. (Including messenger owls)
12)Sanity is overrated
We are all freaks of nature and in 2014 we will finally live up to that!
13) Eating popcorn with chopsticks will be a thing
No comment. Just trust me on this one.
So in short, in 2014 you will go on a date with Leonardo DiCaprio, driving around in a posh car while listening to a new song by John Legend and Bruno Mars. On that same date you will probably run over some ugg-wearing women and catch a glimpse of Miley and Justin making out in the bushes outside Taco Bell. You will, however, break up with Leo because you cannot live with someone who doesn’t like Peruvian food. You will write naughty stuff together with E.L. James and will be crazy enough to figure out some insane scheme to buy Louboutin shoes. You will bump into Ian Somerhalder at the book shop and you will bond over the awesomeness of One Direction’s first chicklit. Both of you will communicate with each other through parchment and quill and on your first date you will go to the movies and eat popcorn with chopsticks. You will get pregnant with twins and will name them Peeta and Katniss.
And that, Ladies, all in just one year.
2014 is going to be amazing.