Dating Tips from Disney: A Guide to Your (Not so) Happily-Ever-After

Published May 22, 2013 by The Feminist

First: yes, I’m 22 years old.

Second: Yes, I’m going to write a post about Disney flicks.

Conclusion: Who are you to judge me for that? 99% of people love watching Disney. The other 1 percent are either lying or don’t have a heart.

disney

However, this is not a post about all the oohs and aaahs in Disney movies. On the contrary, this post is a cynical analysis of all the weird dating advice Disney seems to give its young audience. Although I absolutely love everything about Disney(Should I be telling you this?) and know all the Disney songs by heart (Okay, I definitely shouldn’t be telling you this!), I strongly believe Disney’s advice on love and relationships is kinda fucked up. No wonder I have such completely misguided representations of what love is supposed to be!

Disney - Teaching You Not To Talk To Strangers - Unless They're Hot

Damn you, Disney! Damn you!

So here’s a list of Disney’s very superficial dating tips:

1) A woman’s ultimate goal in life is to get married and have babies.

Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, the Little Mermaid and yes, even 101 Dalmatians:  Disney’s female protagonists seem to have only one personal goal in life: to get married and have lots of children (or puppies). Wouldn’t it be wonderful to see a Disney movie in which the female lead wants to become the first female President of the United States? Who knows, maybe Sleeping Beauty wanted to become a veterinarian or a communication strategist before her dreams were shattered by her father and the ostensibly “good” fairies…

images-101-dalmatians-g

2) Men don’t care if you’re smart, funny or a fucking Nobel Prize-winning humanitarian. They just want a pretty girl with a lovely voice.

That is my conclusion after re-watching The Little Mermaid and Sleeping Beauty last weekend (Yes, you’ve read that correctly: I attended a Disney marathon with my friends. Deal with it!). In Sleeping Beauty baby girl Aurora is blessed with the gifts of beauty and song…

Sleeping Beauty movie image Walt Disney
Superficial much? I mean, what happened to “intelligence”, “creativity” or all the other traits that are far more important?
Not to mention the Little Mermaid! Prince Eric falls in love because she can bloody sing!

littlemermaid2-620x

Hell, if I were a Disney character, I would be doomed! (Every time I try to sing, it sounds as if a cat is dying inside my throat!)

3) Wearing the right shoes is vital to get yourself a prince charming.

Ask Cinderella, she knows all about it!

cinderella-shoe-w352

Don’t get me wrong: I love shoes. I love having a lot of shoes and I love wearing the most ridiculously high stilettos imaginable. However, I like to think I’m wearing them for me, not because I want to get myself some fancy husband.
On the other hand, this might be the perfect excuse to justify your shoe frenzy. You have to buy those shoes! Think about your happily-ever-after, dear readers!

4) Blonde is beautiful. Green is mean.

Oh yes. Our favourite Disney heroines all conform to the typically Western beauty ideals: golden blonde hair (Sleeping Beauty, Cinderella,…), blue eyes (Little Mermaid, Sleeping Beauty, Cinderella, … The list is endless) and a killer body (everybody!).

Sleeping-Beauty-Wallpaper-sleeping-beauty-6259616-1024-768

However, if you happen to have green eyes, I’m afraid you’re doomed to be seen as “the evil one”. Maleficent in Sleeping Beauty, Cinderella’s Stepmother and a whole bunch of other evil creatures have green eyes!
How weird is that? I personally think green eyes are sexy as hell!

angelina_jolie_green_eyes-t2

See? 😉

5) Hakuna Matata

If this list makes you kinda depressed, don’t worry, everything will work out in the end! Just relax and… HAKANA MATATA!

hakuna matata

Because in case you can’t find the love of your life, you can always go and live in the jungle together with a meerkat and a warthog, eat gross insects and get hit with a stick by a crazy baboon!

Jeeeeez, the future looks so bright!

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13 comments on “Dating Tips from Disney: A Guide to Your (Not so) Happily-Ever-After

  • This is laugh out loud funny! I’ve hear and have said similar things as well but to put it all together like this is ace! I have a fairly good figure with long wavy hair, I can sing pretty well but my hair is very dark and my eyes are narrow and green…so in disney terms I’m a witch who casts spells to grant myself princess like qualities but my Dr Martens give me away in the end!

  • 😀 You’re so funny and I love your style of writing! It’s very… witty and light-hearted. But I have a confession: I’m not the biggest fan of Disney movies. I mean they’re cute and everything but what you mentioned are exactly the things that really annoy me while watching them. I just don’t like how they determine the viewer’s perception of the “roles” and characteristics of men and women.
    Love

  • I LOVED your post! Hilarious and So True! Though the interessting men like witty, smart and funny, got to keep it enteraining is my opinion 🙂
    Anf green eyes, personally, they’re my favorite, I’m a faller for green eyes. About the blond and blue eyes, it’s like Barjavel’s female characters, the most beautiful is ALWAYS blond with blue eyes… What about brunettes, red heads and ebony hair?

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